ahhh...

I pretty well did an epic fail on the keeping this thing updated. Face palm, for sure. But, as I'm sure you can all understand, the holiday season isn't really the best time to start something like this and keep it going. But in order to not lose my mind, I figured I would vent a bit to all you out there in cyberspace in this mind numbing diary-like online blog that everyone and their mother can read.

So, it just occurred to me that I have a million things to do before I go back home for the holidays. It's already December 10th, almost the 11th now, and I have laundry, packing, and all sorts of other stuff to do before I leave on this not so fun filled adventure called my first cross country road trip. But instead of actually doing something about it and start getting the ball rolling, I sit here in front of my computer and write about how crazy of a procrastinator I am. Lovely, right? Not really. But it's just like me. I work best under pressure, love waiting until the last minute to do things, but hate the stress that comes with it all. So I am going insane trying to figure out what all needs done and what all I have to do and who all I have to see while I'm back home. I do believe, one of these days, I'm going to drive myself insane with all this nonsense.

But, the thing that has me stressed out the most is the fact that I don't know if I'm going to be coming back to Cali, or if I'm going to stay back home. I am passed the point of being homesick right now, and the thought of coming back out here for another 5 months, going back, and then back out here again for another five has me wanting to run for the hills.
Part of me wants to come back. I really do love being out here. I love getting to spend so much time with my sister-in-law and my nephew. I know that being here helps a lot. And I know that it would make their lives very difficult if I didn't come back out. I don't see what I would do or where I would go if I didn't. None of that is set in stone, and being the planner I am, I don't like that fact in the least. So being back out here after the holidays is the most intelligent thing to do.
But the other part of me, the majority of all the parts of me, doesn't think I can handle being out here for that long. My family is back home, and I am going crazy not being there with them. My home is there. The things I know and feel safe around are there. My parents will never tell me that I don't have a place, and a lot of other people would say the same. So it's not like I would be homeless if I decided to stay there and not come back. My amazing, adorable, wonderful boyfriend, is staying back there, to add to this mess. It's hard for me to go one day without seeing him. I can't imagine months at a time. He's my rock, the only thing that gotten me through all this homesickness stuff. But I'm not sure how things would work out if I were to stay. But my heart is telling me that that's where I belong.
So what do I do? I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions, neither of them really looking like they're one hundred percent perfect. I know, I know. Nothing is ever one hundred percent perfect. But why can't this choice be easy? Why can't I just have a big neon sign telling me where I should be? My heart tells me that I need to be back home. Home is where the heart is, right? But my morals and my conscious is telling me I need to come back out here to Cali. AHHHHH.

On top of all this madness, my homesick-ness is making me seriously depressed. The stress of the holidays is taking a number on me. I feel like I can barely breath most of the time. Like the whole world is spiraling down around me. I know it's probably just an acorn, and I'm chicken little. But right now, my world is falling apart. The only thing that gets me through each day is the smile of the one person who makes the emptiness go away. For him, I am thankful. But when he's not with me, the emptiness wins over and I feel almost like I'm drowning. My nerves are shot and my life is a total mess. But I can't let it show. I have to put on a smile and walk like my body isn't numb because I can't bring my grim-ness on anyone else. But deep down inside my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts that just stress me out and I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown every minute I'm awake. But I get up, put on my smile, and get through the day. Because I know that each day I make it through, the closer I am to my family and the people who understand me. But I have a feeling this next week is going to be the longest one of my life and it's just going to get harder each day. But, I'm going to try and think positive, breath, and get through the next 5 days so I can see the smiling faces of those I love and feel at home again, for the first time in months.

give thanks.

Sometimes I think that people forget that they have things to be thankful for. We get so wrapped up in our pet peeves and our anger that we often don’t have time to think positive. But with Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to take at least one day a week to think positive and say what I am thankful for.

I believe the biggest thing that we take for granted is our freedom. Most of us, me included, go through each day taking advantage of the fact that we can walk down the street with no worries (other than being hit by a car). But we don’t have to worry about wars happening here. We have the right to say what we want, believe what we wish, and do what we please. But we don’t think about those who sacrifice so much for us so that we all have the rights and freedoms that we enjoy every day. Being the sister of a Marine, going to basic myself (medical discharge), and many more family members in the Military, I have a pretty clear understanding of the price people in the Military pay so we can live the easy-going lives we love ohh so much.

Some never see deployment, some (like my brother) see many deployments, and some give their lives. Not only is it time away from their families, or time spent in some strange culture somewhere else, but it is willing to put pictures of things that most people can’t imagine in their heads, and the thought that they could get hurt, or worse. On top of that, the families sacrifice too. The time spent away from loved ones, worrying and waiting, is very difficult on spouses, children, parents, and the whole family.

Less than 1% of all Americans join to serve our country and protect the other, over 99% of us, that can’t, but most likely won’t volunteer themselves for such. So I am proud to say that I am thankful for the freedom that isn’t in the least bit free. I am thankful to live in the wonderful country that I am proud to call my home. We need not to get all wrapped up in politics and agreeing or disagreeing with the leaders. We need to remember that not everyone has the same plans, goals, or ideas. We won’t always agree with our presidents, or other political leaders, but that should not detour us from being proud of the country we live in. Nor should it detour us from being proud of the people who fight for our freedom. I am more than proud to say that I am the sister of one of my biggest heroes, my brother, a U.S. Marine. So remember to give thanks for the freedom we enjoy, and take time to thank a service member. I hope everyone is just as proud and thankful as I am to say that I am an American and I love the freedom that so many people have had to sacrifice for.

love.

I am usually a glass is half empty kind of person. So in following the trend to be a bit more positive, I'm going to do "what I love" Wednesdays. So here we go...

The Holidays.

Ahh, this time of year always gets me thinking of all the things good in the world. Thanksgiving is just around the corner, a week from tomorrow, and Christmas is just shortly after that. This time of year everyone, generally, has a chipper attitude towards life and we remember the act of giving and giving thanks. I'm not sure about everyone else, but at my Thanksgiving dinner, we all go around the table and say at least one thing that we are thankful for. This simple little gesture is something that shouldn't just be held once a year, but everyday, all day long. So I just hope, during this holiday season, everyone can do at least one thoughtful, selfless gesture for someone less fortunate. The decorations, the smells of turkey and pumpkin cooking, the lights, the music, everything that the holidays entail is just uplifting and amazing. Another year coming to a close. The thoughts and flashbacks from the memories and imprints left from the passing of another year. So I hope everyone can join in and give thanks this next week, and remember those who you love and who love you.