ahhh...

I pretty well did an epic fail on the keeping this thing updated. Face palm, for sure. But, as I'm sure you can all understand, the holiday season isn't really the best time to start something like this and keep it going. But in order to not lose my mind, I figured I would vent a bit to all you out there in cyberspace in this mind numbing diary-like online blog that everyone and their mother can read.

So, it just occurred to me that I have a million things to do before I go back home for the holidays. It's already December 10th, almost the 11th now, and I have laundry, packing, and all sorts of other stuff to do before I leave on this not so fun filled adventure called my first cross country road trip. But instead of actually doing something about it and start getting the ball rolling, I sit here in front of my computer and write about how crazy of a procrastinator I am. Lovely, right? Not really. But it's just like me. I work best under pressure, love waiting until the last minute to do things, but hate the stress that comes with it all. So I am going insane trying to figure out what all needs done and what all I have to do and who all I have to see while I'm back home. I do believe, one of these days, I'm going to drive myself insane with all this nonsense.

But, the thing that has me stressed out the most is the fact that I don't know if I'm going to be coming back to Cali, or if I'm going to stay back home. I am passed the point of being homesick right now, and the thought of coming back out here for another 5 months, going back, and then back out here again for another five has me wanting to run for the hills.
Part of me wants to come back. I really do love being out here. I love getting to spend so much time with my sister-in-law and my nephew. I know that being here helps a lot. And I know that it would make their lives very difficult if I didn't come back out. I don't see what I would do or where I would go if I didn't. None of that is set in stone, and being the planner I am, I don't like that fact in the least. So being back out here after the holidays is the most intelligent thing to do.
But the other part of me, the majority of all the parts of me, doesn't think I can handle being out here for that long. My family is back home, and I am going crazy not being there with them. My home is there. The things I know and feel safe around are there. My parents will never tell me that I don't have a place, and a lot of other people would say the same. So it's not like I would be homeless if I decided to stay there and not come back. My amazing, adorable, wonderful boyfriend, is staying back there, to add to this mess. It's hard for me to go one day without seeing him. I can't imagine months at a time. He's my rock, the only thing that gotten me through all this homesickness stuff. But I'm not sure how things would work out if I were to stay. But my heart is telling me that that's where I belong.
So what do I do? I feel like I'm being torn in two different directions, neither of them really looking like they're one hundred percent perfect. I know, I know. Nothing is ever one hundred percent perfect. But why can't this choice be easy? Why can't I just have a big neon sign telling me where I should be? My heart tells me that I need to be back home. Home is where the heart is, right? But my morals and my conscious is telling me I need to come back out here to Cali. AHHHHH.

On top of all this madness, my homesick-ness is making me seriously depressed. The stress of the holidays is taking a number on me. I feel like I can barely breath most of the time. Like the whole world is spiraling down around me. I know it's probably just an acorn, and I'm chicken little. But right now, my world is falling apart. The only thing that gets me through each day is the smile of the one person who makes the emptiness go away. For him, I am thankful. But when he's not with me, the emptiness wins over and I feel almost like I'm drowning. My nerves are shot and my life is a total mess. But I can't let it show. I have to put on a smile and walk like my body isn't numb because I can't bring my grim-ness on anyone else. But deep down inside my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts that just stress me out and I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown every minute I'm awake. But I get up, put on my smile, and get through the day. Because I know that each day I make it through, the closer I am to my family and the people who understand me. But I have a feeling this next week is going to be the longest one of my life and it's just going to get harder each day. But, I'm going to try and think positive, breath, and get through the next 5 days so I can see the smiling faces of those I love and feel at home again, for the first time in months.